I decided to become vegan for lent this year as a way to think more intentionally about the environmental impact of my food, to sacrifice something I love, and most of all, to understand what it is like for people with allergies and dietary restrictions. I may need to give up complaining for lent next year, because it was a loooong forty days. Suffering in silence is not exactly my spiritual gift.

For Spring Break, I cashed in some miles and hopped on a plane to the Big Apple. Thanks to a little bit of New York magic, it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. 

January was a long month of trying to get straight which prophet was during the time of which King in what kingdom, but the studying started to pay off. For all my big talk about being a Scripture major, there was so, so much I wasn't familiar with. I couldn't tell you the difference between most of the epistles or what the prophets were about. Sure, Dr. King loved Amos, but why? And what does it matter to me today? The deeper I studied, the more surprised I was to find a wealth of comfort and conviction for me today. 

Growing up in the Evangelical church, I was never really sure what Lent was about. I knew it was a time from Ash Wednesday to Easter during which Christians fasted from something. I've since learned that it 40 days when Christians partake in a fast to commemorate Jesus' 40 days of fasting in the wilderness. Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, where ashes are rubbed in a cross on a person's forehead as a sign of repentance and mourning. Lent does not include Sundays, which are feast days that you break your fast on. 

My hope is that you will be involved in politics, not just on election day, but in all the days between elections well. I won't tell you what the right thing to believe or do is, but I will say there is infinitely more that unites us than divides us. Democracy only works when everyone shows up. So show up- at Town Hall meetings, at rallies and protests, and at the ballot box. In their own way, this is what democracy looks like. 

Watching the Golden Globes last night, the tensions between “Left” and “Right” in our country were more evident than ever, particularly in Meryl Streep’s acceptance speech for the Cecil B. Demille Lifetime Achievement award. She criticized the POTUS for his mocking of a disabled reporter early last year. She celebrated foreigners, from the American Midwest to countries all over the world, and called for higher standards for politicians and actors alike. She was calling for morality.

The Ordination process in the PCUSA is long and confusing with lots of very specific acronyms and phrases. I thought it might be helpful to give an outline of the process I'll be walking through over the next three years and why I am going through it. 

This year has held big things for me- getting accepted to and deciding to go to Seminary, quitting the job that I loved, leading two mission trips, traveling to the United Kingdom, moving across the country, and my parents moving to Ethiopia. It was full of beautiful sights and once in a lifetime experiences. It was a year where I learned to try new things and be my own person. It was also a year when I watched my hero loose the most important job to an unqualified, bigotry-spewing, bully. I can't even begin to describe how much that eclipsed my reflections of this year.

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself." It's all throughout the Bible- from Leviticus to Luke, and it was ingrained in my from my earliest memories. My mother displayed it best, inviting in strangers, immigrants, and lonely people to our dinner table throughout my entire childhood. And with practice, I got better at it. Love my Muslim neighbor. Easy. Love my Gay neighbor? No problem. Love my Homeless neighbor? Of course.

But it feels harder now, because I find myself asking, How do I love my racist neighbor? My bigoted neighbor? My white supremacist neighbor? My complicit neighbor? How do I love my neighbors who voted for Trump? How can I when they (AT BEST) were complicit with ignoring a dangerous pattern of racism, sexism, bigotry, and violence?

Yesterday I wept. I was surprised at the depth of emotions this election brought out of me and my community. We witnessed a free and fair election and our candidate lost. It's neither the first nor the last time that will happen. Still, I never thought it would feel like this.

Loosing hurts and I spent all day yesterday wrestling with my emotions. I wasn't ready to talk about next steps, understand why people voted for him, or how to work for unity. On a scale of 1 to 10, I was at the emotional level of a 3. Today I might be up to a 6.

The FBI released a statement about Hillary's e-mails and suddenly it's a neck and neck race again. I realized, Hillary may not win. My country might elect Donald Trump to be my next President. I could barely breathe. I was sick to my stomach, unable to comprehend this new possibility. I don't even know how I would go on if he were elected.

And that's when I realized, this is what Donald Trump supporters feel like. This is what many Republicans have been feeling for 8 years. To be honest, I haven't really understood and haven't tried to. I've been so excited about who Obama is and what he's done that I couldn't understand what the other side was feeling. 

I was attending a conference on campus called "Talking Politics During Polarized Times" which I was very excited about. During the lunch session we had a panel of Georgia State Legislators- a moderate Republican, conservative Republican, and liberal Democrat. The forum was hosted by Presbyterians for Better Georgia, and the panelists discussed how their faith informed their role in legislation on topics PBG works toward. Eventually, the topic of gun violence came up.

The Republican woman began by saying, "You might not like me... I'm a member of the NRA" and then preceded to say the many sound bites that you would expect from an NRA member- "Chicago has so many gun crimes even though Illinois has strict gun laws, which is why they don't work" "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" and finally, "The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." All the breath left my lungs and I could barely breath, let alone keep a straight face. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife, and she even said, "It's hard to be up here, it feels so hostile." 

When it was time for questions, I began in a shaky voice to tell this story in public for the first time.

The biggest change has been my relationships. I left a community of friends that I knew well and knew me. The process of building new relationships has been slow and difficult. It's not that people here aren't kind, it's a bunch of future pastors, so everyone has been kind and welcoming. And yet. It's always, "and yet," with me. 

Starting over is exciting and yet... it is so hard.

Being independent is wonderful and yet... it can also be terribly lonely. 

Kindness is appreciate, and yet... I long for real, messy, true relationships.

I've noticed over the past two years an underlying current of fear and discomfort among the white community. I've seen many people posting on social media who want to partake in the New Civil Rights Movement but aren't sure about what to do. I am no expert or hero. Not even close. Going to a few marches doesn't mean I've done anything significant to help, but often the first step is the hardest. So if you want to move from Facebook posting to grassroots activism, here's a beginners guide.